THE TOTALLY AWESOME THEODORE

When Becky suggested Andrea’s brother could do magic tricks at our wedding reception, well, of course, I didn’t think much of that idea. A magic act at our wedding? Just how crazy is that?

I know it sounds odd now saying it out loud, but back then I couldn’t tell her what I really thought. In a couple of weeks, Becky was going to become my wife. She was stubbornly seized upon this guy’s magic act so what was I supposed to do? Me saying no, I mean, telling her it was a crazy stupid idea. It just didn’t seem to be the best way to start off our marriage. So, I kept quiet.

“Ok, Beck. What’s this guy’s name? You know anything about his act? What’s he do that’s so special?”

“I’ve known Teddie practically all my life. He calls himself The Totally Awesome Theodore. A nice guy. Besides, Andrea says he’s become an excellent magician. Apparently, doing card tricks is one of his specialties. When we were growing up, Teddie always pestered me to watch his latest trick. One of his favourites was with the nine of hearts. There was also that old reliable one, the one every magician has, you know it – the disappearing quarter. He always pulled it out of my ear or so it seemed to me. I remember once he put a kitchen dish towel over his pet rabbit, touched the towel twice with a long twig of white birch from the backyard and turned Bugs into a real live dove. I kid you not. A dove, for god’s sake. Well, that bird, it took off, perched on top of the living room drapes. Wouldn’t come back down for days.”

Becky giggles at the memory. “I’m sure Teddie’ll do a great job.”

Looking back at it now, it was just a plain lousy idea, and I should’ve come square with her then. But I didn’t. I regret that.

So at our wedding, after the usual speeches and before the DJ started up with the dancing, The Totally Awesome Theodore stepped into the middle of the dance floor. He was all duded up in a fancy long tail tux with a top hat made of red silk.

At first, our guests didn’t know what to make of him. I mean, who’d ever seen a magician doing card tricks at a wedding reception? Anyway, Theodore really starts getting into it, pumping up the audience with promises of fantastic magic tricks yet to come and what he called mind-blowing illusions.

So after the initial ‘what the…?’ reaction from our guests, including the head table, everybody seemed to cautiously settle in for the promised show. Well, that’s not quite right. Not everybody settled in. Becky’s Dad looked pissed, but like me, when he’d heard about Teddie a couple of weeks ago, he went along with it. After all, it was his only daughter’s wedding, and he was going to do nothing to put a damper on it.

So anyway, The Totally Awesome Theodore begins his act.

First, it was his best card trick. He goes over and gives Becky’s Dad the nine of hearts from the deck in his hand. Then Theodore blindfolds himself and asks Becky’s Dad to slide it into the pack that he’s now placed on the head table. While Becky’s old man is putting the card into the deck, Theodore turns his back to the action and makes a big drama of not being able to see what’s going on behind him. I’ve got to say, he sure had a slick way with the words.

Now if I’d been Teddie, there would have been one guy that I’d never have asked to be part of any trick. And that was Becky’s old man. I mean, The Totally Awesome Theodore seemed oblivious to the old guy’s scowling face when he was handed the nine of hearts against his will.

After Becky’s old man tucked the card back into the deck, she shouts out, “He’s done, Theodore.”

Theodore removes the blindfold, picks up the deck and moves slowly back to the centre of the dance floor. He holds the deck above his head while asking for a show of hands from the guests who believe he’ll pull the nine of hearts straight out of the deck. A few hands half-raised, but I have to say there didn’t appear to be a lot of enthusiasm for it. I think everyone was still struggling with the basic idea of magic tricks being done at a wedding reception.

Theodore throws the deck into the air. As the cards tumble and flutter around him toward the dance floor, he grabs one out of the air. He waits until all the cards are scattered beside him. Holding the caught card face down, he walks over to the only person who seems to be smiling encouragement, gives her the card and asks Becky to identify in a loud voice, the card she now has in her hand.

“Ten of spades” she yells out, waving the card wildly, showing everyone that The Totally Awesome Theodore has got it wrong.

There are ripples of embarrassed but secretly delighted laughter across the room. Theodore looks like he’s just been punched in the gut. Clearly, this is not what he expected. It’s one of his best tricks. It’s never failed him before.

But this time, it does. Seemingly thrown off the rhythm of his routine, Theodore tries the trick twice more, each time using Becky’s angry old man to insert the nine of hearts back into the deck.

Each time the trick fails. Everyone’s beginning to wonder if this guy’s for real. Or maybe the repeated fails and Theodore’s obvious distress is some sort of hokey theatre. But if that’s it, for what real purpose? No one still can’t figure it out.

By now, Becky’s old man looks like he’s secretly wondering that if he put The Totally Awesome Theodore out of his misery with a quick, deep stab to the chest with a sharp knife or long pronged fork, would this action be considered justifiable homicide.

Theodore seems to sense that everyone’s energy and goodwill, in particular, Becky’s old man, are rapidly turning against him. But he rallies. The Totally Awesome Theodore is definitely not discouraged by the failure of his nine of hearts trick. He’s still got one more trick up his sleeve.

He raises his hands into the air, palms forward, arms outstretched like a television evangelist seeking donations with a hopeful promise of everlasting life.

“Dear guests, honoured members of the head table and especially the marvellous Becky, for my final trick of the evening I present to you my most popular illusion. It is called ‘The Most Beautiful Invisible Woman.”

I remember thinking that he whispered those last words as if he was reading from some ancient sacred text.

“For this illusion, I will need a woman to come forward and be my assistant.”

Theodore pauses, making a blatant show of looking out into his audience as if to spot a willing participant. But no one volunteers which isn’t really surprising when you think about how his nine of hearts trick has gone over so far.

Quite unexpectedly, Becky stands up.

“Totally Awesome Theodore I shall be your willing assistant.”

With these words, my beautiful wife moves out from behind our head table to join Theodore in the centre of the dance floor. Our guests all gasp at this turn of events. My heart flutters for a moment then begins beating rapidly. My breath comes in short raspy puffs. Becky’s old man starts to seriously look over the head table’s utensils for a suitably long knife or stiffly pronged fork. The room’s so quiet, only the soft rustling of Becky’s wedding dress can be heard as she moves toward The Totally Awesome Theodore.

While Becky’s making her way onto the dance floor, Theodore slowly pulls a  skein of brilliant red fabric from the sleeve of his coat jacket. No one expects this. The fabric flows continuously from the coat in a rippling ribbon of colour. Theodore carefully folds the ribbon of cloth over his left arm while extending his right hand to Becky who has now arrived beside him.

Theodore lightly kisses Becky’s offered hand, gently positioning her closer to his side.

Becky is smiling. It appears my wife is certainly enjoying herself. I remember the pure white of her beaded wedding gown and silk covered shoes being a striking contrast to the deep red fabric that Theodore is now unfurling.

Looking back at it now, I realize that the man was no longer the humiliated, bumbling actor who’d failed three times with his best card trick. Now there’s noticeable confidence about him. His body is erect. His words are strong and confident. I sense just a faint hint of triumph.

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your complete attention? My final act of the evening, for your delight, is a magical illusion of sweet celebration. Miss Becky, may I ask you to step behind this fabric screen I’m now placing in front of you?”

With these words, Theodore slips easily behind my willing wife, expertly moving the red fabric in front of Becky until she’s completely hidden from view.

For several heartbeats, the fabric screen moves gently in an out as if caught in a sudden breeze. There’s a collective intake of breath among the guests.

Like an autumn leaf, the red fabric flutters to the floor with a faint whoosh.

All that remains are my wife’s white satin shoes.

And The Totally Awesome Theodore.

He’s smiling, slowly waving at everyone. Queen-like. Left, then right. He raises his arms upward as if embracing an unseen deity.

His image sparkles within a soft aura of shimmering white light.

And then, as if by magic, The Totally Awesome Theodore is gone.

First Published: This story was published in the November 5th, 2018 edition of the Canadian online magazine The Story Quilt.

The Backstory: The general idea for this story came from several hundred words that I wrote from a prompt exercise in the Story Intensive writers' program offered by Sarah Selecky. The ending evolved from my reworking of the initial draft and I hope that a reader can identify with a couple of possible conclusions about the actions of the magician and his willing assistant Becky. And yes, it's all a bit too weird but I did enjoy creating it for you. 

Legal Rights. ‘The Totally Amazing Theodore' is the intellectual property of the author, Don Herald. No part of this story may be reproduced in any format without the written permission of the author.